The Last Shall Be First and the First Shall Be Last

Hello fellow journeywomen and men. I hope that everyone is having a safe and peaceful holiday experience. This can be such a wonderful time of the year because, despite the crass commercialism that pervades our culture and the Christmas holiday, I still observe more acts of human love and kindness throughout this month than at any other time of the year. Our challenge, as I see it, is to expand this experience from the "holiday season" (when it seems most of the major faiths - Muslim, Jewish, pagan, Bhuddist, etc. - are celebrating some momentous historical occassion or another) to our everyday lives.

In the spirit of this thought, I would like to share with the readers a comment I provided in response to a blog post on my brother's blog site, Wilder Daze. (Before I continue here, I would like to strongly recommend that anyone reading the posts on this site check out the Wilder Daze blog site [I have a link to this site under "Enlightening the Burden" at the top left corner of the page you are now reading]. Dustin's [that's my brother's name] posts are very insightful and inspiring. I feel that everyone can benefit from exploring the depth of his spiritual knowledge, which has truly been a blessing for me to read and consider deeply.) My commentary was inspired by his post entitled "This Reckless Caring," and in Dustin's post he wrote about the idea of caring for someone and, indeed, for all of life in general without regard to the personal (physical, mental, and/or emotional) consequences to your "self" (please read the entire post at your earliest convenience). He went on to state very eloquently that "in that self-denial [each of us find] our true selves, that for which we exist." Read his statement over and over and let the words float softly down through your thoughts and deep into your heart. What I just quoted will appear to be oversimplified and even nonsensical to your mind, but I assure you that Dustin has given us something profound to consider here. In fact, it is this message that goes right to the heart of expanding the love and compassion most of us grab hold of only once a year during this "holiday season."

Below are the thoughts and feelings I shared with Dustin (with a few expansions and revisions - for the original comment, check out Dustin's Blog Site) in response to my meditations on this post:

"Hey Dustin,

I know this post is a bit old to just now be getting a response from me. I have intended to respond for quite some time, but I just have not taken the time to do it. I love the paradox of the phrase "reckless caring" as well as the paradox that you allude to regarding a self-denial that allows us to find our true selves. The second seeming-contradiction, I feel, should make us ponder the reason that selflessly caring for others and for life in general brings us some of the most powerful and positive experiences of who we really are. As you stated, this idea is one of the overall themes of Christ's teachings, but I think most of us have not been able to comprehend the implications of such a paradox:

Why do we feel the best about ourselves, why are we filled with the greatest love and joy, when we help another? I have to say that only one understanding at this point in my life makes sense to me in trying to explain this: to quote Neale Donald Walsch, "There is no one else in the room."

There is only one thing, and that one thing has many forms that we see with our human eyes, but it does not change the fact that there is one thing behind us all. So when we help another, we are quite literally helping ourselves. I'm not talking about some indirect assistance we give ourselves by helping another in a way that implies they can do good in the world and eventually, maybe even help us directly. I mean that we actually raise ourselves up directly anytime we truly assist another or life in general without worry over what will be the outcome or inconvenience to us for providing that help. The fact that we are all One accounts for this phenomenon. We are One, but we had to appear not to be in order to actually experience the wonder, power, and joy of our True Connection to one another, and we get to experience that when we can at last let go of the idea that there is an "other."

This is an implication that stimulates resistance in many of us because it would require us to sacrifice our judgments and our discriminations and our stereotypes and our superiority complexes and our victimizations and all the other mayhem that we love to create through our illusion of separation from God and each other. But the evidence is overwhelming: when any person helps another or even helps an animal or the life of the planet in general, that person experiences the satisfaction of fulfilling his/her true purpose. And that person's sense of fulfillment is genuine and complete. Love cannot know Herself when She is only One, so She must appear to be many in order to comprehend her grandeur. Thus, when we "recklessly care" for anyone, we have fulfilled the purpose of Love Herself. The perfect circle from God to human and back to God is complete and the mission is accomplished (ok, yes, I know I am throwing in a lame military cliche here, but what the hay). The beauty and the majesty of it all is that we can fulfill this inspiring promise of our lives over and over again.

Yet, these words and thoughts are ultimately meaningless. Just believing this does nothing at all, and in fact, it is almost impossible to believe this without actually experiencing it. And we cannot sit around and say, "Oh if only I had a good opportunity to try this out or the time to experiment with this idea, I could then prove its reality to myself." I assert that each day is filled with hundreds and perhaps thousands of chances to put this insight to the test. Anytime one is late for some meeting or appointment, put the safety of others first by not speeding to your destination. Anytime one is busy with commitments of work or other responsibilities, put first that other person who calls you for help with their own work. Anytime one is degraded, uplift the person doing the degrading. Anytime one is suffering from feelings of being overwhelmed, put first the person to whom you would complain about your life by choosing not to complain. Anytime that one finds himself/herself in a tense situation with another, put first the feelings of the other person by deeply listening to what the other is saying. Anytime one is standing in a long line in the grocery or department store (particularly relevant to this season), put first the over-worked cashier doing his/her best by choosing not to complain or make rude faces at him/her. Anytime one observes another person who is suffering in the grip of rushing, anxious thoughts, such as when someone is trying to cut in front of you on the highway or when someone in that same long supermarket line is huffing and puffing and complaining endlessly, allow that person the space to pull in front of you on the highway or allow that person in line to go before you (thank you for this, Stephanie) so that you might be an example that there is nothing we need to hurry toward. When someone at work (even your own boss) is stressed about some deadline, refuse to submit to the incessant planning and worry over all that is left to be done - just continue to fully focus on the one task before you - and you can lead others to the realization that there is no reality to this idea of being "overwhelmed." Anytime one encounters an indigent person on the street in need of money or food, put first that person by providing what you can without regard to the mental labels and judgments that arise calling that person a bum or lazy and without this idea of "they do not deserve anything because they do not work hard like me." We should all have equal access to the daily necessities of food, water, and shelter regardless of our life choices that have led us to be without these things. In fact, only our misunderstandings of God and Life would allow us as a species to so callously neglect and reject those in need based on our delusions of moral superiority. Our goal as a race should be that the "necessities" of this physical existence can be accessed by all so that all then have the opportunity to shift from this pervasive concern with physical survival to a new and empowering emphasis on our spiritual growth.

These are just small instances, and there are many, many other ways, large and small, in which we can know the truth of our deep connection to one another. I feel that it is incumbent upon all of us, and I place the most emphasis on myself, to go into each moment and experience this, to put ourselves always in the second position so that we might then know that who we really are is always First."

May you all remember the blessing that is this Life.

Love Is All We Are

Yesterday morning, I awoke to my mind scrambling through a devastating routine. Like most weekday mornings, I got out of bed and went to sit in the cozy sofa chair in our living room to meditate. I cherish those silent moments before I wake up the kids when no one but me (and the dog and the cat and the sun) is stirring in the house. This is when I rejuvenate my love for being alive at this very moment.

Anyway, I became aware of a very acute sense of suffering in my mind. As usual when I awaken, it was struggling to plan out the course of my day, but its determination seemed darker and more powerful than I had experienced of late. I could feel its despair as it catalogued one "duty" after another that I had to accomplish that day all while it screamed - through my shaking nerves - that there was too much to be done, that it hated knowing what had to be done, and it hated having to be there to help me know what needed to be done.

The fact is, I had faced this same anxiety and despair and resistance to the day each morning of the past week during my little meditation time. Each morning, I was able to look upon the pain and surround it with the sacred silence within me. I smiled at it, and I loved it, and I calmed its struggle. However, when I arose from my meditation and began the tasks of getting ready for work and getting my daughter ready for school, I would notice, first through the body then through the thoughts that were running me to and fro, that my silence was blotted out by the identity I experienced through this suffering. God, I did not want to submit to these negative energies another day!

Yesterday, I was determined not to be broken from pillar to post by these same anxieties and worries over what the day had in store. Yet, I believe now that it was my very determination that actually made these shadows loom larger within me. During meditation, I could feel myself - really for the first time during the week's worth of meditation times - actually fighting against the nervous energy of hurt over what "must be done." I wanted to push it down and obliterate it, and with each push, with each force of repression I directed at it, it became more imposing, more sinister, more energized, and more sickly alive. I was more afraid now because I was failing - my determination to overcome the harsh confinements of my fears and resistances was not strong enough! I broke out of meditation several times to discover all the muscles in my body were contracted and trembling from the clinched shaking of nerves, all of which made my stomach feel quite ill. I was weak, I heard a voice not unlike my own say. I gathered what little will to break this pattern I had left, and I went back in, but the battle was lost before it even begun as my Silent Ally was no where to be found within the noise of my doubts.

Eventually, I arose from the chair disheartened and afraid of being torn to pieces by the negativity that I just knew would plunder me throughout the day. I brushed my teeth, and I kept trying to remain present to what I was doing. But all I saw there was the futile world of conflicting emotions rushing me to do what my thoughts did not feel like doing because, in their view, the doing was bigger than they were - bigger than I am - which made me hate having to do anything - even move to brush my teeth, even lift my leg to step into the shower - because each thing I was doing in the morning at home only led me closer to the duties of the rest of the day that I could never accomplish.

Oh, there was a weeping of my soul and there was a gnashing of my teeth as I rushed blankly to wash my hair in the shower. I was pitiful and the pathetic, suffering me was disgusting even to itself.

Is anyone reading this a fan of Lord of the Ring movies? Well, in the final (and I thought best) movie, Return of the King, Frodo and his faithful and loving friend Sam, have just watched Smiegel/Gollum (spelling?) dissolve into the same lava that swallowed the ring whose charms and powers had cast such a dark spell over both him and Frodo. The cataclysmic rending of the earth caused by this final epic battle between good and evil caused the molten lava within to flood forth, and all Sam and Frodo could do after such an exhausting journey was lay on the jagged rock that had yet to be covered by the lava, completely surrendered to the fact of their impending death. Then, beautiful, soulful, sorrowful music is cued as we see, but do not hear, a peaceful bird (I can't remember what kind) glide gracefully down through the dark clouds of burning rock and rescue our two Hobbit heroes from the throes of extinction. It's a very powerful scene in a movie filled with such moments.

Yes. Yesterday, I too was gently lifted from the clawing clutches of my suffering. I'm sure to the reader it hardly seems as dramatic as the movie scene above, but I assure you, for me it was. A simple question created a space for itself in my head: Would Love ever require me to suffer? This inquiry seemed to have a bright energy of its own that lovingly held in suspended position all the painful thoughts and emotions running through my mind and body. It then gave birth to another question: Am I being Love when I harm myself in this way? Then another: What would Love do with this pain? And each question asked by this calm presence was actually the answer at the same time. All of my inner-writhing was released instantly in that moment. I was not determined to do anything about the hurt anymore. The questioner within me accepted the pain, and the pain was no more.

I drove to work yesterday morning with more peace and more joy and more wonder at the world around me - the birds on the wires, the dancing trees, the sleeping human beings in their cars who have no idea the experiences of liberation that await them - than I have ever experienced on the same such drives before. It was like it was the first time I ever drove to work. It was the first time I ever saw the streets and the neighborhoods and the houses and buildings that I had driven by and upon at least a thousand times before. My sight was new because the seer was new. Little old me was no longer there. I was everything I saw, and I knew I had always been. Freedom held me close and Love carressed me with these true visions of the nature of the inseparable world around me that was me. There was nothing to do anymore because I could see it had all already been done. Perfection was vibrant in everything I saw, and it was good.