Today it's about going home. The wind shivers the plants and trees into a peaceful dance, a gyrating celebration of the coming rain. I dance with them.
Are you afraid of the weather? Does it look yucky to you? I welcome the deep rolling sounds of the clouds above. They sing me home. I karaoke in the car with them.
The drip drops wet the wood of the deck outside my window. Wash me home. I have become so abstract lately, and now I wish to be tangible. This body has no substance. I wash away with the rain.
Carry me through one branch after another. Slide me softly around forms of all kinds. Today, when the day looks like night, it's about going home.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Thursday, August 02, 2007
I Cannot Stand
I may say there's never enough time in the day, but I would be lying. Each day, I waste so much time. Actually, I do not experience that, in reality, there is any such thing as "wasted time" as all moments hold an opportunity to transcend whatever one is doing in those moments. Thus, I must contextualize this: I "waste" so much time not doing what I say that I would like to commit myself to doing. The time may be well-spent with my kids, cuddling with my wife before a good movie, playing basketball, keeping myself informed of current events in USAToday or through email and forums, hell, even writing this blog. All of these seem to me to be worthy expenditures of my time (why else would I be involved in these activities if I did not believe this).
The point is, though, that I have committed myself to even something as simple as writing on my eJournal at least 15 minutes per day during the work day. Now, today, this blog entry may satisfy that commitment, but overall, for the past two weeks, I have only fulfilled my desire twice. Mind you, these have been two extremely busy weeks at work as I have been involved in an audit of one of my company's billing centers as well as helping my staff with questions and issues encountered as they audit other billing centers.
So what. How can I draw to myself more of the time for the activity I love doing the most (writing) if I am not willing to meet a very minute requirement to write at least 15 minutes per day in my journal at work and write at least one hour per night for six days a week. I feel that if I just maintain this consistent focus on writing, I will "attract" more writing time to myself. I will have created a habit of writing that will only increase my desire to continue to create more opportunities for myself to write. This is why, two weeks ago, I made a renewed commitment to make the time for writing each day no matter what was going on in the day.
Don't get me wrong, here. I am not beating myself up over this as that would only be counter-productive. I rarely plan anything anymore because those plans are often the source of my pains. This commitment is not a plan. It is an intention. A preference, if you will. I am merely curious as to why I allow myself to be so distracted and consumed with all the "doings" in my daily life to the point that I will not even take the 1 hour and 15 minutes each day I have said I will give myself to write. This is strange to me. Am I so divided within myself that I cannot do what I say I will do even for me? If I cannot keep my commitments to myself, what right have I to expect others to believe in my commitments? This lack of focus and consistency seems to make a bigger statement about who I am choosing to be.
That's right. There is a larger picture to this. Friends, family - I commit myself everyday to staying awake, aware, and present to each moment, and almost before the end of the sentence of the thought that is making the commitment comes to an end, I have travelled through time and space to some same old replay of the past or some same old imagining of the future. Rarely do I keep myself here in this moment, in this paragraph, in this sentence, in this word, or in this very letter. If I cannot fulfill even this most simple (but paradoxically complex and profound) commitment to myself and the world, then what business do I have making other commitments to, say, write a bit each day?
It is always a question of what do I want more? Do I want to be so caught up in the ebb and flow of events happening around me each day, or do I desire the God-centered life? While my answer in words may say the latter, my answer in deeds blaringly proclaim a focus on the former. I cannot start all this talk about consistently writing if I cannot first be consistency in my intent to live fully within each present moment. Well, I can talk about this, but that is all it will be: talk. Talk has its purpose, but it is action in pursuit of one's commitment that reveals one's true choice in any matter.
I choose first to be with myself, with God, in each moment. That is the primary purpose of each of the remaining moments of my life in this body. All other intentions will come secondary to that, and, my choice, in this very moment, is to first master my commitment to this Original Intention before I make promises to myself and others I cannot keep. Only through mastering the Original Commitment can I then make whole the divided parts of myself so that what I say, I do, and what I do, I do out of pure choice, and thus, Pure Love.
The point is, though, that I have committed myself to even something as simple as writing on my eJournal at least 15 minutes per day during the work day. Now, today, this blog entry may satisfy that commitment, but overall, for the past two weeks, I have only fulfilled my desire twice. Mind you, these have been two extremely busy weeks at work as I have been involved in an audit of one of my company's billing centers as well as helping my staff with questions and issues encountered as they audit other billing centers.
So what. How can I draw to myself more of the time for the activity I love doing the most (writing) if I am not willing to meet a very minute requirement to write at least 15 minutes per day in my journal at work and write at least one hour per night for six days a week. I feel that if I just maintain this consistent focus on writing, I will "attract" more writing time to myself. I will have created a habit of writing that will only increase my desire to continue to create more opportunities for myself to write. This is why, two weeks ago, I made a renewed commitment to make the time for writing each day no matter what was going on in the day.
Don't get me wrong, here. I am not beating myself up over this as that would only be counter-productive. I rarely plan anything anymore because those plans are often the source of my pains. This commitment is not a plan. It is an intention. A preference, if you will. I am merely curious as to why I allow myself to be so distracted and consumed with all the "doings" in my daily life to the point that I will not even take the 1 hour and 15 minutes each day I have said I will give myself to write. This is strange to me. Am I so divided within myself that I cannot do what I say I will do even for me? If I cannot keep my commitments to myself, what right have I to expect others to believe in my commitments? This lack of focus and consistency seems to make a bigger statement about who I am choosing to be.
That's right. There is a larger picture to this. Friends, family - I commit myself everyday to staying awake, aware, and present to each moment, and almost before the end of the sentence of the thought that is making the commitment comes to an end, I have travelled through time and space to some same old replay of the past or some same old imagining of the future. Rarely do I keep myself here in this moment, in this paragraph, in this sentence, in this word, or in this very letter. If I cannot fulfill even this most simple (but paradoxically complex and profound) commitment to myself and the world, then what business do I have making other commitments to, say, write a bit each day?
It is always a question of what do I want more? Do I want to be so caught up in the ebb and flow of events happening around me each day, or do I desire the God-centered life? While my answer in words may say the latter, my answer in deeds blaringly proclaim a focus on the former. I cannot start all this talk about consistently writing if I cannot first be consistency in my intent to live fully within each present moment. Well, I can talk about this, but that is all it will be: talk. Talk has its purpose, but it is action in pursuit of one's commitment that reveals one's true choice in any matter.
I choose first to be with myself, with God, in each moment. That is the primary purpose of each of the remaining moments of my life in this body. All other intentions will come secondary to that, and, my choice, in this very moment, is to first master my commitment to this Original Intention before I make promises to myself and others I cannot keep. Only through mastering the Original Commitment can I then make whole the divided parts of myself so that what I say, I do, and what I do, I do out of pure choice, and thus, Pure Love.
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