Today I began to cry so hard over the suffering I am going through inside. I know I chose a purpose when I came into this earthly existence, but I feel with every cell in my body that I am not living up to that purpose, and the idea that I am trapped in the life I have created for myself - that does not live up to who I know I really am - becomes so overwhelming sometimes that I encounter only "Do Not Enter" signs around every corner on my attempt to sprint out of that idea at record speed.
I have chosen this morning to be The Sufferer. I have called forth many, many thoughts to help create this reality of being a suffering being: the thought that I am trapped in a job I hate because of my responsibilities; the feeling that what I do at that job is so mundane and energy wasting that I am limited as to any real "meaningful" contributions I feel I should be making to the world; the fear that I cannot say what I really feel (without being mocked or punished - why am I being a coward?) about the useless stress that others at this job constantly wish to express to me; the idea that I am a fake human being - choosing to appear to be stimulated or to even act like I give a damn about anything going on with my job - who communicates only what others want to hear while disregarding my truth; the tantalizing desire to do something that I have defined as "more meaningful" in this life.
It is my expectations of what I "should be doing" that are brutalizing my heart on this day. I talked to a very loving person this morning, and I burst into tears because I could see that I know the answers in my mind to this painful predicament of feeling useless and limited. This person (my wife) was very understanding, and she could see as well that I already knew the way out of the pain I am experiencing. She offered me nothing but support. She told me I could leave the job - that there was no pressure for me to be anything coming from her or my family. Yet, even this is something I already know. I realize that I am all that stops me from leaving this job. Yet, I also understand in a very deep, tangible way that "stepping down from or out of" the job will only be me running from this pain. This is here for me now because I have called it to me.
I need, in this moment, a patience with the pain of these thoughts so that I can really incorporate the understandings that my soul intends for me to gain from this experience that I have created. The problem I am having is that I just refuse to accept (have faith in) what I know about the reason for and solution to my suffering. As such, I continue to try to think my way out of this hurt by dreaming of what I can "do" to get me out of this feeling. Even as I am dreaming, though, I sense that nothing I "do" will take me away from this pain, although it may help to delay the inevitable experience of it. There is no doubt in my mind that this exact circumstance will surface again (no matter the change of job/scenery I give myself in hopes of escaping what I feel now), and if I make any external changes to my life now before fully understanding the purpose of this suffering, I will just remain ill-equipped to deal with the resurfacing heartache.
No, I must be patient with myself right now. I must embrace this experience and be loving toward the suffering self that I am being right now. I choose not to run from the horrible emptiness shuddering inside my wounded heart. It is time to change who I am, not what I am doing. With this change, I know that all other obstacles to my success in what I choose will fade like the hallucinations that they are. My soul has work to do, and this experience is a vital part of that work. I choose to have faith that the sole concern of my soul is to unbind me from the chains of suffering that I have wrapped around my throat. The moment is now at hand for me to step back and put into action that knowledge I have gained. Now is the moment for me to be Wise.
For those who have loved me patiently, I am eternally grateful. For those who are lost, I am eternally compassionate. For those who are afraid, I am eternally comforting. For those who hate, I am eternally loving. For those who are angry, I am eternally kind. For those who are frustrated, I am eternally patient. We can all be this together for, in truth, we are all of these emotions/feelings all the time. Every opposite is held within the whole of our souls that are held within the whole of The Soul of God. I now choose to move out of this suffering "part" of the soul and into the joyful "whole" of remembering that I am all of this and more.
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