"I Could Really Care Less"

That's quite a hiatus I took from this blog. I know that everyone has been waiting daily with bated breath anticipating the next grand entry from Paul Wilder. Today, I break my silence with a totally irreverent moment I am having right now.

I am not working today. I am here at work. I am sitting on my laptop supplied by my employer. I am surrounded by documents on my desk, all of which probably need my attention in some form or another. I just don't care. It is all irrelevant to me. I cannot, in good conscience, do even one more task today that involves the work for which I am paid.

This morning, I came in and spent about 10 minutes answering a couple of emails. That's it! I've been surfing the web since. And I don't care.

I am sure there is something I should be feeling here about this. Some guilt, some hand-wringing, some underlying sense of dread over what could happen to me for doing nothing, but this fear of doing nothing is just not sinking in today as it has over so many of the past days of my life.

A part of me has even tried to be concerned over the fact that I don't care that I am not going to work even while sitting here at my work desk where I am accustomed to protecting the earnings of the greedy corporate creatures for whom I work. Even that worry quickly faded after a few minutes this morning. I really just don't care.

I wonder if I will ever care again.

I wonder if I care if I will ever care again.

This is a breaking out. I often ask myself, "Self, is it fear that makes your distaste for your job such a pervading part of your life?" The answer I get back is, "Of course it is." Long ago I completely lost interest in this job and in working and/or living within this capitalistic society in which I currently grovel. But I am still here. Thus, it is fear that keeps me here and increases my resentment of the work - that many business enthusiasts would and seem to find complex and challenging - that I find to be so mundane and pointless.

Today, though, I feel different. I feel fear weakening. I am breaking out of my fear on company time. They are paying me to free myself from them. I do not care that I expect them to send me a paycheck to support my family and that I should return their diligence in doing so with my diligence in performing the work for which they pay me.

I have never trusted myself. I have never lived for myself.

(I have to stop right there and state that those last two sentences sound quite selfish. I am being selfish. I know this, and I don't care about that either. By being a false version of selfless, I have become resentful. I have betrayed myself and thus lost my inspiration, my motivation, and my kindness toward others while in the throes of my "selflessness." Now is the moment for me to move into Selfishness. I cannot delay; myself will no wait longer for my fearful ego to let go.)

I have never trusted myself. I have never lived for myself.

I have always been too afraid (so I tell myself) to let others down. On this day, however, I know the truth: I have always been too afraid to let myself down. It is precisely this fear that has let me down time and time again.

I've rationalized this in all ways possible. I have told myself that there is something I need to learn in this situation, which is why I am still with this company. Although a petty rationalization, there is truth in it. I have been here to learn how much I distrust my intuition, how often I doubt my capabilities, how much I fear not knowing what I will do.

Yet, what does it all boil down to? From whence does this fear spring? These are the questions I must resolve to finally take that leap into stepping away from, fearlessly, that which has burdened me for so many days. The answer actually stares me in the face daily, so I know that I am learning none of this, I am merely remembering. Still, I want to confuse the issue; I want to deny this answer; I want to pretend I never heard its wringing in my head. I am afraid to even expose it here on this blog because its implications will force me to let go of an idea I have clung to for many years.

My fear of ending this job that I now resent stems from the truly frightening prospect of losing my family - of facing their judgment for my inability to live up to the deal that I will support them with the food, clothing, and shelter the money from my job affords us. What if they hate me and leave me for being so irresponsible? What if my children are ashamed of their father? What if my wife runs away and never looks back?

Even this outer possibility is only the symptom of what truly terrifies me. I am sickeningly frightened of moving forward without this idea of myself as a caring, loving, family man. I think that the only way to be a caring, loving, family man is to work hard at a job I hate in order to meet the expectations of those in my family. I truly believe that I can only be a good father and husband if the members of my family agree that I am a good husband and father, and they will not agree to that if I quit my job.

Where did I get such a useless idea? When I type it out like that, I understand how ridiculous is my notion of what being loving, caring, and part of a family is all about.

I realize that my fear of losing the image of myself as a responsible provider for my family and my resentment of this job are inexorably linked to one another. I could not have one without the other. I have seen that I can love anything - ANYTHING - that I am doing while coming from a calm, peaceful state of Love. I could end my resentment right now.

I am doing that, in fact. I don't care to be resentful anymore. This is not the cynical carelessness of resentment; this is the lack of fear over any part of me being hurt by my actions one way or the other. For the moment, my fearlessness is over a small aspect of work: I do not care about the fact that I am not working right now. I am not worried about being harmed in anyway by the discovery of my lack of productivity today. I could be fired for even writing on this blog, but I am not afraid of that potential outcome. I am not afraid that getting fired will leave me without this routine source of income that is used to support my family. I feel totally confident that, if I were to get fired for my inaction today, my family and I would be taken care of one way or another.

But I am afraid to take this same "leap" out into the unknown with regard to my own initiative to leave this job. Am I just content to sit here and force someone to choose to fire me? Is that what I am choosing here? It seems to be, at least for today.

When, though, will I step into true Love (read that as "the absence of fear") surrounding this job and thus be able to walk away from what Love tells me deep within my intuition is not fulfilling the outer purpose I have given myself? When will I finally snap the illusory bonds in which I have strapped myself? Love dares me to do it now, but when will I finally succumb to its wonderfully free and frightening vision of my life?

When I choose to, and not a second sooner.

As of this moment, I still do not trust my Soul to lead me to what is in my best interests and therefore what is in the best interests of those I love. Right now, I still cannot surrender to Your whisperings of our shared desire to dare the world to stop Us from realizing our Eternal Emergence into One. Sitting here in this chair, I still cannot walk out and face the judgments of those who are sure to misunderstand, sure to blame, sure to resent me. I am suspicious of You. What is the meaning behind this longing to move out of this current form of doing in which I find myself? I cannot shun this deep dissatisfaction with the job much longer, and I am afraid of what We will do when my rationalizations are no longer strong enough to hold me here in the safe confines of comfortable living and satisfying the expectations of my family. The part of me that is afraid even wonders aloud how You could ever want to put me through such a potentially painful scenario. Why do You want to hurt me?

Or is this a choice I can make to realize more fully that I can never truly be harmed?

I think so.

What will I choose?