On a new day, new lessons have come to me about Julieann's comments on my first post on the theme of sacrifice and even my response to her comment and the subsequent post I wrote. Perhaps I will have the will and opportunity to write of these later. For now, I can say that I certainly did not always succeed in shining the light on the path that could help the one I love.
A relationship will always bring up that in ourselves of which we were not previously aware. All the more so when you set about to base that relationship in spirit. Our true character is revealed by our reactions to these parts of ourselves that are made active in the interactions of the relationship. I can only speak for myself when I say my character leaves much to be desired. Yet, I am helpless to do a thing about it. I cannot go back and right my wrongs. I have no opportunity to explain what I now see about myself. I cannot imagine any pleasure or comfort or relationship (even with the one I love) that can assuage the guilt, pressure, and suffering over what was, over where I missed the mark.
That leaves only one thing: sacrifice. And I am not even certain what that means at the moment. Is sacrifice this moment of utter helplessness in which there is nothing at all that one can do, say, think, imagine for the future, or justify from the past that will change or alleviate the suffering? Is sacrifice nothing more than reaching the dead-end that suffering must lead one to? I don't know.
All I know is that I am here at that dead-end - with nowhere else to go, nothing left to do - pouring my heart out in words to no one and nothing in particular. Even writing these words has felt so pointless. I don't know why I write them. Something tells me to, but I see no reason in the process. There is no catharsis in writing, "I am helpless and cannot change myself or what I have done or been." It is just what it is. I don't know how to even pretend to live with this. I feel incapable of doing much of anything right now, and I am surprised I have been able to type this much.
I have no other choice now but to be helpless and useless in the face of this pain. I hold no hope that anything or anyone will rescue me from it. I desire no worldly rescue and am cynical that there is any such thing as an other-worldly rescue in store. I only know this hopelessness, this helplessness, this uselessness of me.
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To clarify something from this post. I am not trying to be a Christ-figure taking the entire burden of the failure of the relationship on myself. As I said on day two of this theme of sacrifice, such thinking is pure arrogance. We both played a part in the end of the relationship.
What I am saying is that whatever I received from the one I love has nothing whatsoever to do with me and what I gave. I care not one wit about whatever was said or done to me that instigated the reaction in me that made me forget myself in a particular moment, only that some pressure in me took me over and reacted to the statement or deed in a way that only continued to propagate harm and suffering.
It is also hard to do this with myself. To know I was wrong while another insidious part of me wishes that the other knew of their wrongness as well, to admit failing without having it reciprocated. Yet, I know in my heart that I have nothing to do with, nor any control over, the realizations or illuminations of another.
What another chooses to remain asleep to in himself/herself has nothing to do with what I must awaken to in myself. I only wish we could all awaken to that which ruins what Love so thoughtfully and tenderly brought together. I sense this is the lesson for me, even as I am helpless to marry this lesson to my soul.
For some reason, I am told by thought that what I said in my previous comment on this post would appear to be harsh and mean to someone I love. I read it again, and I do not see it.
I hold no blame toward this person. I do not ask this person to recognize something detrimental within. I made clear that the part of me that wished to hear of another's realization of wrongness is an "insidious" mechanism in this mind I carry around with me. There is nothing right in hoping another can see he or she is wrong, unless such hope is from a love that wishes to see the other awaken from his/her own nightmare.
For now, I have enough on my hands with my own dark dreams. I haven't the desire, time, or energy to hope anything bad or self-gratifying (to me) for another. The truth is, I love this person with all that is in me. My heart breaks everyday that we could not continue to grow together in the love that brought us together.
At the same time, my heart is mending through the lessons of the breaking. At the same time, there is gratitude. Yet, even now, I would give anything, including my own healing, to bring about the healing of this other person's heart and soul. In truth, I gave up everything - especially the form of the relationship we had, a relationship that I wanted more than anything else I have ever wanted in my life - so that this might be the case.
The greatest sacrifice I ever made was walking away.
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