I am entering the new year with an intention to set for myself a weekly theme for consideration, contemplation, and integration into my life. The first theme of the new year, which has selected itself by default through the position in which I find myself physically, mentally, and emotionally to start this year, is Sacrifice. A somewhat intimidating theme to take on here at the outset, but I trust that it has been provided to me for a reason.
I spent the last few weeks of 2011 in the grips of a most intense suffering over the end of a relationship that was dysfunctional and toxic, not because either of us were bad human beings or because either of us set out to ruin what love so graciously gave to us by bringing us to one another, but because of the great chasm that existed in our intentions with regard to addressing a lifetime of accumulated emotional distress and pain that must necessarily be exposed for healing in a relationship. Stated more appropriately, I have come under the influence of dark thoughts over the events that occurred during and at the end of the relationship, over the initial promise of the relationship, over what I did wrong and what she did wrong, over what is to become of us both now, over what she is doing without me, over what I will ever do without her.
Each moment is a request for sacrifice. Each moment, we are asked to give what we receive in the moment to something higher than ourselves. This is something that is almost incomprehensible to Paul - that each moment and all the attending physical, mental, and emotional sensations brought to the fore by the "conditions" of the moment are to be lifted up to the Father/Mother. Paul lifts up neither the good nor the bad, but almost exclusively revels in both as his own. He forgets these do not belong to him. In truth, Paul is more inclined to the bad than the good. Paul's suffering defines him and captivates his attention much more readily and willingly than his joy. He seems eager to give away or even become suspicious of the good times, of the ownership of prosperity and contentment, but he has almost no doubt whatsoever as to the title and veracity of his pain.
Suffering is the Isaac God is asking me to sacrifice to Him. What I doubt, that of which I am cynical, is the goodness of God. I do not trust that He really asks for my suffering to be handed over to Him. Some thoughts actually accuse him as the chief cause of this hurt. I do not have faith that he can transform the pain and hand it back to me made new, unrecognizable, and beautiful by Grace.
2 comments:
Paul, I am blessed to have you back in my life again as the dear friend you were before. Your pain and suffering can only be carried by you, as much as I want to help you carry it to its destination I can only walk along side you and provide you comfort that it can be good again and that the blessings that came from the time you both spent together will be revealed slowly and the feeling of failing and sacrifice will not dominate so much in your mind. Acceptance and self deserving love will be allowed back in eventually. You gave so much and yet lost so much of yourself as you did so, you stretched your ability to tolerate and not judge at a spiritual depth that can not be experienced without it also causing great pain.. to come back to the surface and breath a new perspective a new appreciation of the human emotional mind and know that sometimes you can not save a person from themselves from their own journey of being reformed .. She has her journey to find her light you showed her how it should be and its up to her now to find it herself it may take her some time but it will come. Maybe one day she will show her peaceful self in front of you and thank you for what you showed her and sacrificed to her.. She wasnt ready for the life you could lead, her demons still need to be conquered and you can not do that for her. You walk in light and yet insist on calling it darkness, the macabre feelings you have are humiliaty, sacrifice, and humbleness that you are still a child of the human race with so much more to learn and give to yourself.. I have been where you have been and the journey itself that I have made was the greatest spiritual gift i could have given myself but also took me to depths of despair questioning my purpose my faith and what i truly deserved.. God was cursed and cried upon and I was humbled to submission knowing that I could only carry my own weight with the help of faith and it was not my job to carry someone else to their enlightenment I could only show by my own actions and by shining a light onto them and the path they should seek. I love you Paul and I am here when you need to talk, cry or laugh.. or even to sit in silence..
Julieann, your words have been just the medicine I need, even if I didn't want them. Not that anything you said was anything short of kind, loving, and wise, but that something in me does not want me to see anything other than how horrible a person I am, how responsible I am for my misery and the misery of another, and how useless and pathetic my life is. Not only have I felt undeserving of comfort or kindness, but I have actually distrusted anything in me or anyone outside of me who attempts to tell me that this darkness I feel is not the truth of me. After contemplation of what you have said tonight, a forgotten truth is gradually settling into and over me again.
We are all here for each other as a reminder that there is a higher possibility. Tonight, you have fulfilled that true purpose and role we are each here to take on for one another. You have welcomed my broken heart back into the land of the living. I love you for caring enough to do this even as you acknowledge that I am the one who must accept the invitation. I stand at the threshold a little frightened of who I will be without my guilt and agony, but for the first time in weeks seeing another possibility in all of this.
I cannot begin to express my gratitude to you for this reminder.
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